Our collective obsession as a nation with joint families and 'intact' families is worrisome. No matter where I go, and this includes a gathering of college professors, there's always someone waxing eloquent on joint family, and lamenting the rise of nuclear families and the godforsaken 'phoren' idea of single parenthood. This in itself is not so problematic as many people do have a wonderful experience with the joint family system and there's no doubt that single parents and parents in a nuclear family lack the support system that a joint family has the potential to provide. The problem arises when the issue takes on a moralistic tone and nuclear families and single parents are demonised.
Attaching a 'large and intact' family with happiness is so automatic for us that we don't pause to think about the fact that our good experiences may not be shared by everyone, and end up vilifying those choosing a different lifestyle from us. Maybe people can be happy in small families! Why not? And sometimes maybe people can only be happy somewhere far away from some of their toxic family members!
The sacrosanct nature attributed to families needs to be questioned. We need to start expecting good behaviour from family members, all family members regardless of age and gender, and be responsible for good behaviour towards them from our end. If a particular family member is hampering one's emotional wellbeing, that needs to be openly tackled by discussion. And if the other party doesn't own up to how their behaviour could be influencing us or isn't ready to work on the relationship, then clearly our relationship isn't a priority for them. In such a case, moving away should definitely be a legitimate option.
Age can't be one's excuse to keep engaging in toxic behaviour. I have seen verbal abuse and open emotional abuse in front of strangers having been normalised in a lot of families. Some 'bade-buzurg', full of wisdom, are sometimes those most lacking in compassion. The gender angle makes it even more complicated. You as a young girl/woman dare not question the elders or comment on their words/actions, be they male or female. "Apni maryada mein raho." Every member of the family contributes to its emotional climate, and it should be everyone's responsibility to keep peace- not just of the women or the daughters-in-law. Knowing one's worth and not tolerating abuse plus insisting on getting respect if one is giving respect could help for starters in making a change for the better. If change is not possible, why shouldn't it be alright to move away, be it emotionally or physically?
Most of the times, the argument against 'breaking up' a family is the
welfare of the children. It is assumed that stability and being
sorrounded by elders and their blessings would somehow neutralize any
problems going on. That somehow breathing air impregnated with the
poison of marital discord and domestic violence would be harmless if
everyone stays under the same roof!
One needs to understand that sometimes taking a child out of a toxic family arrangement, to be raised by a single parent could actually be the most child-friendly decision possible in that context. There's no dearth of research showing the debilitating impact of domestic violence and marital discord on children, and many of these effects last well upto adulthood. Very often, these children become adults that have a tendency to either become abusers themselves or to accept abuse because that's what was modelled as normal behaviour in a marriage/family for them. Grandparents, uncles and aunts, and lots of cousins living with us, sharing in our joys and troubles, having both of our parents living with us, may well make for a wonderful life- stuff of dreams for many of us- but only as long as staying together doesn't become more important than the wellbeing of the individual members. Family can be the best thing ever- our own army against the rest of the world and the one place where we can always take refuge; family can also be the one thing that has the most potential to bring us down- an invisible soul sucking enemy. So, if some day the institution of family becomes more important than the sanity of any of the individual members, a long hard look becomes imperative at what one is getting out of the family and at what cost.
One needs to understand that sometimes taking a child out of a toxic family arrangement, to be raised by a single parent could actually be the most child-friendly decision possible in that context. There's no dearth of research showing the debilitating impact of domestic violence and marital discord on children, and many of these effects last well upto adulthood. Very often, these children become adults that have a tendency to either become abusers themselves or to accept abuse because that's what was modelled as normal behaviour in a marriage/family for them. Grandparents, uncles and aunts, and lots of cousins living with us, sharing in our joys and troubles, having both of our parents living with us, may well make for a wonderful life- stuff of dreams for many of us- but only as long as staying together doesn't become more important than the wellbeing of the individual members. Family can be the best thing ever- our own army against the rest of the world and the one place where we can always take refuge; family can also be the one thing that has the most potential to bring us down- an invisible soul sucking enemy. So, if some day the institution of family becomes more important than the sanity of any of the individual members, a long hard look becomes imperative at what one is getting out of the family and at what cost.
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